Call of Ayahuasca: Embracing Fear on a Journey to Healing
Life has an uncanny way of leading us down paths we never expected, and guiding us toward experiences we never pictured for ourselves. If you had told me ten years ago that I would end up traveling to a foreign country by myself to try ayahuasca once, let alone repeated times, I would have laughed and told you that you were crazy. But my experiences with this powerful plant medicine have led me to believe that ayahuasca calls to us; when it’s meant to be part of our journeys, it ignites a curiosity and pull that we can’t ignore.
Still, even if you feel your heart pulling you toward ayahuasca, fear might creep in and cause your commitment to waiver. Ayahuasca is a journey into the unknown, and it’s very normal to have a fear response to the experience. Fears can be centered on the experience itself, potential negative outcomes, or safety concerns either with the medicine or travelling alone to a new country. They could also be around judgement from peers or family, and not having a community that understands the path you’re being called to and why you feel strongly about it.
Are you contemplating your first ayahuasca retreat but feeling anxious about what to expect? You're not alone; most people experience a whirlwind of fears and uncertainties before embarking on such a profound journey. If you feel called to ayahuasca, it can be invaluable to examine your fears about the experience before dismissing it entirely. In this post, we’ll take a closer look at some of the common fears associated with ayahuasca experiences and guide you in exploring their origins. By understanding these fears, you’ll be better equipped to make an informed decision about whether to take this transformative step.
My Fears and Experiences with Ayahuasca
My journey towards ayahuasca began during a particularly challenging phase in my life shortly after I had given birth to my son. I was engulfed in confusion and emotional turmoil, and desperate for a solution. I was hoping for an escape or a ‘quick fix’ to resolve all my discomfort. I viewed the medicine as a potential shortcut; a means to sweep away the debris of my struggles and illuminate a clear path forward. Little did I know, healing rarely works in straightforward ways. After learning about ayahuasca, I became obsessed with learning everything I could about it, and I became convinced that ayahuasca could help me. However, the concept of taking a powerful psychedelic amongst strangers in a foreign country was so frightening to me that even the thought of it made my stomach roll.
Still, ayahuasca tugged at me for over a year as I read every book I could get my hands on about it, researched retreats and ayahuasqueros, and watched and read about other people’s experiences with the medicine. Finally, I was led to New Life Rising in one of those moments where you are unexplainably certain that your intuition has led you to the exact place you were meant to be. But even though it became clear where I should go, the fears about ayahuasca and everything a retreat entailed were at times so strong I considered backing out of my trip more times than I can count.
Fear of the Experience
Of all of my fears about trying ayahuasca, none was bigger than my fear of the ayahuasca experience itself. Even though I had dabbled with psychedelics in my college years, I felt unprepared, to say the least, for the deep dive that I anticipated ayahuasca to deliver. Although I was genuinely seeking healing, I was not sure what that journey would look like and was very scared of being confronted with some of my biggest fears or worse, being shown things I wished I’d never seen.
I have indeed been taken to the very depths of my fears during ceremony. That being said, my difficult experiences continue to be the ones that facilitated the most growth, and the most lasting change. If you are thinking of trying ayahuasca but are afraid of having a difficult experience, try to develop the understanding that our most challenging experiences can lead to the most healing and growth, and to recognize that when we reflect on those experiences later, we often discover their deeper purpose and value.
Since I have continued working with ayahuasca, I’ve had many people ask me what it is “like”, and it’s a question I can never answer. The experiences I’ve had with ayahuasca have always been too profound to accurately put into words, and every attempt I’ve made to describe them falls terribly short. The only thing that can be said with certainty is that everyone’s experience will be different, and there will be absolutely no way to predict what type of experience you will have. You simply need to commit to the process, stay prepared, and be open to facing challenging experiences in order to reap the benefits and achieve healing.
Fears of Physical Effects and Safety
This might sound dramatic, but those with anxiety will resonate with the extreme fear surrounding potential physical dangers. Before my first ayahuasca experience, I was genuinely terrified about the possibility of adverse reactions to the medicine. The risks associated with ayahuasca interacting with certain pharmaceuticals are very real, and despite adhering to all the necessary protocols, I couldn’t shake the paralyzing fear of facing a serious medical emergency that could land me in the hospital—or worse. It’s a concern that many people share, and acknowledging it is an important part of the preparation process.
The medical protocol for ayahuasca is clear, and any reputable retreat will be very thorough with their medical screening process. Ayahuasca is very safe when used responsibly, so if you’ve been approved to participate you can put some of those fears to rest. This is also why researching and trusting your guides is so important. Still, if you have received medical clearance to drink ayahuasca but still find yourself dealing with fears regarding your physical response to the medicine, it can be beneficial to take a moment to reflect on those feelings. Consider whether these fears might be a reflection of your broader apprehensions about the ayahuasca experience, or if they stem from subconscious self-sabotage.
The Infamous Purge
It’s safe to say that no one enjoys getting sick, but the concept of throwing up can be anxiety-producing for many. For this reason, I was nervous about the purge, the potential to vomit or otherwise expel energy during ceremony. Although the purge seems undesirable and is something people often want to avoid, it is a vital part of the ayahuasca experience. It is not a random side effect of the medicine, but rather a purposeful release that helps clear space for ayahuasca to do her work. Purging offers an opportunity to somatically release stagnant energy, leading to greater cleansing, detoxification, and healing.
Ironically, the purge is now a part of the ceremony that I look forward to. The release and clarity that I feel is worth the discomfort, and never once have I felt concerned that others were paying attention to my purge. Ayahuasca is an inward journey, and although you might be aware of others around you during ceremony, it’s likely that your focus will be primarily centered on your own experience. The same holds true for the other participants, Surrendering to the purge is all about trusting your body and the medicine to know what needs to be released, and how, then allowing that process to happen.
Embracing this variety of expressions can be a powerful reminder of the body’s instinctual wisdom, encouraging me to approach the ceremony with an open mind and a willingness to engage in whatever form of release might emerge.
The Fear of Judgment
One of my main fears was that of judgement, particularly as an ex-problem drinker. I knew that my desire to experience ayahuasca could be misinterpreted as an irresponsible choice, a reckless venture into yet another substance that could derail my progress, rather than a legitimate quest for healing. This fear was so intense that it led me to lie to most of the people in my life about my first retreat, telling almost everyone except less than a handful of people that I was attending a ‘yoga retreat’.
There is a stigma surrounding ayahuasca and plant medicine in general specifically that stirs up strong emotions and opinions and those often result in harsh judgement against people who seek healing from it. In the West, our understanding of plant medicines is often limited, leading us to form opinions based more on sensational news stories than on research. This lack of knowledge can lead to misconceptions and discourage people from exploring the transformative potential of ayahuasca and similar practices.
If fear of judgment is preventing you from exploring the ayahuasca experience, I encourage you to detach yourself from the opinions of others and the energy they bring that might cloud your thinking. It’s essential that your decision comes from a place of personal conviction rather than external pressures. While concerns about judgment can weigh heavily on your emotions, remember that only you can determine if an ayahuasca journey is meant to be a part of your path. Trust in your instincts and desires to guide you toward what feels right for you.
The Travel Obstacle
At the time of my first retreat, I had only traveled outside of the country once, and it was with the safety net of a group of people that I knew, many of which had been to our destination before. Traveling far away from home completely alone was a new endeavor for me, and the mere thought of it made me incredibly anxious. I anticipated flight issues, problems getting through customs, language barriers, and every other worse-case scenario you could imagine.
International travel itself was daunting to me, but the fact that I’d be doing it alone was even more frightening. I worried I’d be the only solo traveller, and about spending time with complete strangers for a week, especially while experiencing something as personal as ayahuasca. I learned quickly that most people have their first ayahuasca experience alone. Each person's connection to the medicine unfolds at just the right moment for them, making it unlikely for everyone in your circle to feel the same pull simultaneously.
The thought of travel can be daunting to some, and may even be the reason someone decides not to try ayahuasca. For me, confronting the fear of travel and being away from home was part of the growth I sought. I knew that the journey toward ayahuasca would require me to step into unfamiliar territory, helping to manifest a narrative of resilience that I had long avoided. I also learned a valuable lesson about fear projection. In the days leading up to my first retreat, I found myself obsessively replaying various scenarios in my mind, intensifying my anxieties about the upcoming experience. To my surprise, none of my imagined expectations materialized, nor did the retreat unfold in any way resembling what I had thought. This realization made me aware of how much mental energy I had wasted in an attempt to prepare myself for the worst rather than let the experience unfold naturally, and how that theme is prevalent in other areas of my life.
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Embracing the Experience
When I finally sat in ceremony and surrendered to the experience, ayahuasca brought me face to face with my fears. What unfolded was a deep understanding of how fear had orchestrated my life. I realized that it was not merely my personal struggles but a generational cycle woven into my family legacy that I had come here to break. This realization was overwhelming, but it was also empowering. When we sit with our fears, when we allow them to surface rather than repress them, we find that we can reclaim power over our narratives. It’s easy to allow fear to dictate our actions, but it’s essential to flip the script and allow ourselves to grow from it instead.
It is entirely expected to experience some fears about trying ayahuasca. In fact, if you don’t feel at least a hint of nervousness, it may be beneficial to reflect on your motivations for seeking out the medicine in the first place. Ask yourself whether you are approaching ayahuasca from a genuine desire for healing and self-discovery, or if there’s an underlying desire for thrill-seeking that is influencing your decision. The medicine serves as a mirror, reflecting your innermost truths and intentions. If you enter the experience with a mindset focused on superficial excitement or external validation, you should anticipate that the journey will respond in kind, potentially offering nothing more than fleeting moments rather than the deep insights you may truly need. Taking the time to set thoughtful, sincere intentions can help shape your experience, guiding you toward greater personal growth and understanding.
The Reward
Ultimately, the journey with ayahuasca has the power to transform lives if you decide to heed its call. Every ounce of trepidation I felt was a thread woven into the larger tapestry of my growth. Though I could not see it at the time, my fears were, in essence, my guides. They led me to investigate the beliefs and patterns that had anchored me in a life of limitation. So, if you find yourself feeling entranced by the call of ayahuasca, take a moment to recognize your fears. Explore their origins. Understand them—and realize that they might just be the doorway to the life-changing experience waiting on the other side.
In my case, answering the call of ayahuasca altered the trajectory of my life in ways I could not have initially imagined. Looking back, I realize just how much I would have limited myself had I chosen to back away from that challenge because of my fears about the experience. Recognizing and confronting my fears became the very foundation of my healing journey, and the theme of my ayahuasca experiences thus far. As I embrace the potential that lies within each experience, I invite you to step into the unknown as well. It may very well lead you to the answers you've been seeking all along.